its funny...

ok, not funny ha ha funny... but more like... weird funny...

i'm listening to a song called cry, and thats what this post is about. i thought about it before listening the song too!

ok, maybe not funny... weird. that's what i should have said first.

its weird...

anyway...

last night i read some blogs, and i felt like crying. not sad crying. more like... friendship crying. i wanted to cry because my friends said some beautfiul things, about me, for me, whatever.

it made me want to cry ( and no, i'm not pms-ing)

love...

that's what some people want for me.

and it makes me want to cry.

its nice that they want this thing for me... but...

do i come off as a person incapable of loving?

and i know that this is not what they meant, i know that...

but now... now i'm kinda thinking about it...

is that how some people see me?

Ice Queen... the cold hearted one... bitch...

i mean... don't get mad, ok? but...

sometimes i think its true. the last one definately. and sometimes the first one because i get cold a lot sometimes... but...

still... i love my friends. i just don't know if i could ever really LOVE someone, you know?

i dunno... i like crying sometimes... it feels... refreshing to get all that stuff out. just let it go. i hate it at the same time. usually when you're crying, you're sad.

i don't know whats wrong with me. ok, maybe not wrong, but i definately have some sort of block in my head where i just can't... it's... i don't want to love someone. friends are completely different. but... i think about relationships and... its kinda... well, lets face it. i have a bazillion walls. and i've probably seen waaaaaaaaaaay to many movies that deal with people getting hurt and stuff because of love even though in the end everyone is happy. But like Mrs. Smith said, happy endings are just stories that haven't finished yet. i don't think that's true, all in all but there is some truth in it. not all endings are happy. The very ending in everyone's life is death, but, if you believe in it, death can be a beginning in that you go to heaven or are reincarnated or whatever.

adam...

my ever so slightly pudgy, cowboy-hat wearing, slightly geeky dream guy.

i think.

he was in my dreams. he did save me from the creepy guy. i think i liked him. maybe. i don't remember. but i was safe with him. i know that much.

maybe i think he was pudgy cuz like, all of my guy friends are pretty lean. he had more flesh than them.

ok, i think this is a little depressing, so i'm going to think happy thoughts...

i'm going away soon for my European/African/UK adventure!

i'm going to miss a lot of people... but i'm going to have so much fun!

um... i like ice cream!

ooh... food... its 9.47 pm and i still haven't eaten dinner... maybe i should do that.

yes, leaving on a good note (ie food) is always good.

kk, must find food (aka best friend)

k, done.

~kisses

ps. this is the song i was listening to while i wrote this...

Cry ~ Alex Parks

Never thought you knew me
never thought of you with me
always fighting in the dark
before

never got to tell you
I don't know what I mean to you
no need to explain
anymore

but I'd cry
I would die if I lost you
and I'd cry

when I think about us
it's only me that comes between us
it's only me that
closes the door

but I'd cry
I would die if I lost you
and I'd cry

and you know you held me up
held me to the sun
when I was yours
and I know I let you down
let you down
the day that I was gone

but I'd cry
I would die if I lost you
and I'd cry
but I'd cry
I would die if I lost you
and I'd cry

its weird...

i dunno...

i feel like i'm connecting to people that i haven't talked to or seen in a while.

i'm going away soon. (eep.)

i probably won't see anybody in the last week of july. i've got a family thing to go to, then a few days after i get back from that, i'll be gone for 2 months. (yes, Vikki, you'll get your postcards.)

2 months....

that's a long time and a short time all at once.

it seems so long, but it'll seem so short once i'm actually going places, seeing things, experiencing things...

I have to talk to Lindsey soon. I'm gonna hang out with her soon. I'm gonna miss her. We were apart for so long... and now its like nothing has changed, besides the whole 'we're legal to drink and we like it' thing. i'm so happy that she's back in my life.

its so weird... its like things keep shifting in my life, yet everything that gets lost is replaced by something just as good, if not better. sometimes even something old that has been renewed.

i need this change so much. i'm not sure if words can describe how much i need this. (ps, Vix, you and i need to set up an appointment with Joy in july sometime...)

Drewbie, i love you sooooo much. I know i left during your concert and i'm sorry, but i was needed elsewhere. and your hockey game, well, you told me 30 minutes beforehand, and i already had plans. Next time, tell me well in advance, a day, or several hours before.


i'm excited and scared about my trip. i've never gone anywhere like this in my life. It will be something i will remember forever, unless i get a memory disease, or braindead, or something like that. But it will be cool and memorable as long as i remember it. (Vikki, maybe you could help me out with that later. You know, just pull out the postcards i'll send you from Africa and be like "See Cait? See? you went there! Do you remember? Lets get Marvin, he'll help you remember!", or something like that. Ok? cuz you know that in like, some number of years, could be 10, could be 30, i might/probably forget, so i'll need your help to 'jog my memory' so to speak.)

yah... i'll see most, if not all of my friends before i leave. i'll come back a different person. (but i'll probably still be crazy. no worries about that!)

kk... just... felt like... chatting... or something...

~kisses

I had sooooo much fun last night!!

I love hanging out with Lindsey and her friends! they are all soooo funny and nice!!!

We did 5 tequila shots before leaving the house to go to the Royale. I had a double and a triple long island ice tea (so needless to say i was quite drunk!!!) danced with the randoms which was fun. did NOT make out with anyone! so HAH! i can be a somewhat responsible drunk. i did make a new friend tho. His name is Peter and he's a chef right next the the royale. i also met his friend Ben, from Britain, who is one of Pete's regulars.

I chatted with some guys from Dublin *drools*. They had pretty accents. hee.

after the club we went to Will's place (Lindsey's boyfriend's brother's place) and we chilled there for a bit, watching the sun rise and all that jazz. I had a screwdriver there. But its not my fault. I was all, i don't drink beer, and then Kristen was all, have some vodka, so i said ok and she passed me her juice so i poured some vodka in the bottle and nursed that for a while, looking at the hot maxim girls i would make out with.

then we called a cab to go home but stopped at mcdonalds for brekkie, then got home, ate, got ready for bed, saw maybe 10 minutes of Anchorman then passed out/went to bed at around 630ish.

so all in all, i had a super great time.

i always do when i'm with Lins.

kk, that's all for now.

*kisses*

i think i'm going to africa...

actually, i AM going to africa... after that London probably... then... we'll see...

taking the semester off. this is exactly the change i needed. so tired to being static, you know? i'll meet new people (new friends?) and experience life.

i need the change.

static, quicksand... whatever you want to call it, that's where i am, what i am.

africa will be exciting. i'll be gone for 3 weeks at least. i'll try and write. i'll need addresses of course, but i'll get those later.

i think i'm feeling better now. I guess i just needed to see some of the guys (kiki, drew, ryan, pater).

i feel loved. ish.

not that the girls didn't make me feel loved, they do, all the time. but i guess i needed reassurance or something.

hee.

kk, done.

~kisses

We'll Never Know ~ Lifehouse

Tell all the dreams that you have let slip right through your hands
Do you feel lost inside of someone else's life

And we're not gonna live forever
Can you tell me is it now or never
I'm not gonna make up your mind
I don't wanna live without you
And I don't wanna live a lie
We'll never know till we try
Yeah we'll never know till we try

Failure is the only way to learn till you've come undone
The rest will never find out what they might have been

And we're not gonna live forever
Can you tell me is it now or never
I'm not gonna make up your mind
I don't wanna live without you
And I don't wanna live a lie
We'll never know till we try
Yeah we'll never know till we try

So don't tell me sometime just where did we go wrong, yeah

And we're not gonna live forever
Can you tell me is it now or never
I'm not gonna make up your mind
I don't wanna live without you
And I don't wanna live a lie
We'll never know till we try
Yeah we'll never know till we try

*********************

Undone ~ Lifehouse

I can see it your eyes you're hurting
But pain is part of learning who you are
All these truths can sometimes be deceiving
When your whole world comes crashing to the ground

Tell me everything you need now anything at all
And I will be the one who's waiting anytime you fall
Yeah, When you come undone
When you come undone

You know I can't be like everybody
Cause I can't tell you what you want to hear
I don't know if I can make it better
All I know is I will be around

Tell me everything you need now anything at all
And I will be the one who's waiting anytime you fall
Yeah, When you come undone
When you come undone

When all your plans are made out lying on the floor
And all your dreams are turning into nothing more
When all your hope has left you know you're not alone
Just hold on
Hold on

Tell me everything you need now anything at all
And I will be the one who's waiting anytime you fall
Yeah, When you come undone
When you come undone

*************************

Blind ~ Lifehouse

I was young but I wasn't naive
I watched helpless as he turned around to leave
And still I have the pain I have to carry
A past so deep that even you could not bury if you tried

After all this time
I never thought we'd be here
Never thought we'd be here
When my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it
That I loved you more than you'll ever know
A part of me died when I let you go

I would fall asleep
Only in hopes of dreaming
That everything would be like is was before
But nights like this it seems are slowly fleeting
They disappear as reality is crashing to the floor

After all this time
I never thought we'd be here
Never thought we'd be here
When my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it
That I loved you more than you'll ever know
A part of me died when I let you go

After all this time
Would you ever wanna leave it
Maybe you could not believe it
That my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it
That I loved you more than you will ever know
A part of me died when I let you go

And I loved you more than you'll ever know
A part of me dies when I let you go


***********

I don't know why, but these are my songs of the moment, including the best song in the world (at this point in time at least, aka 867-5309/Jenny). I love Lifehouse. I always have, ever since i heard them the first time. And I've converted my sister and my mother to the sounds of Lifehouse and they like them too. Yay!

I love Undone sooooooooo much. It makes me think of... something. The unattainable. Love. I dunno. It holds some sort of meaning for me, about love or something. I can't describe it in words. There's just something about this song that rings true.

We'll Never Know reminds me of something/someones but i don't know who yet. I know this song is meant for characters i know, i just can't pinpoint them in my mind. Probably more than just one set of characters. I dunno. But this song also screams romance and love at me. it makes me smile, and wish for the best for ... i'm not quite sure, but it gives me hope.

Blind makes me sad and hopeful and something all at the same time. For some reason My love for you is blind is so deep to me i can barely comprehend it, if i even do comprehend it. I think all the songs remind me of characters and love and crap like that. But these are the three songs that i have been listening to over and over and over again. I can't seem to stop. An addiction, an obession.

I have no qualms about being a freak. That these songs could possibly mean so much and so little and maybe even define something unattainable is just a tiny slice of the Caitlin Cake (which incidentally has more layers than any other cake known to man).

I miss Kerry...

I've been slightly anti-social lately. I don't know why. It almost seems that while i was away things changed a lot around here. I guess i'm just waiting for the dust to settle so i can see where i'm going. Maybe i need some time for myself. I go into hermit moods for time to time. its just something that i do. I do feel like i have been looking good for the past few days though. putting on my new tanks and stuff. and feeling like i have sexy hair days. i dunno. feel good and anti-social at the same time.

weird.

and no, no one can have a piece of the Caitlin Cake. the Caitie Cake is definately off limits. to everyone.

( i was going to call it the Caitlin Pie, but i thought Cake sounded better.)

ps. I was severely disappointed when Tommy Tutone was not on Hit Me Baby 1 More Time.

Ok, i think i'm done now.

*kisses*